Healthier-Than-Thou Bread, A Whole Meal By Itself

First of all, don’t believe all the other people who say their bread is the healthiest. My bread, which I describe in detail below, is orders of magnitude more healthy (and delicious) than any bread you’ve ever tasted.

How is my bread the healthiest, you ask? Well, in comparing my bread with others, I begin by disqualifying any ersatz products which don’t contain grains. Exactly zero “breads” made with “almond flour”, “pork rind flour”, “horse hair flour” or “Neosporin flour” taste like any sort of bread I’d like to eat. They taste like a baked concoction of wallpaper paste, bathtub grout, nail polish remover, and self-loathing. I put those “flours” in quotes because the whole notion of a grain-less flour is at best, tongue-in-cheek, and at worst, disingenuous.

We all know that’s not real bread. Only bread is bread! Not nuts and seeds or meatloaf crumbs or gravel from your driveway. You can put nuts in a bread but you can’t grind up nuts and call it bread. You’re not going to wake up tomorrow looking like Henry Cavill because you baked yourself a “coconut flour” bread.

Okay, so what ingredients make my bread healthy? Power greens (which include spinach, kale, chard and carrots), sweet potatoes (the world’s healthiest vegetable), and oat flour. The first two speak for themselves. Oats have: double the protein of wheat, more fiber, lots of vitamins and minerals, antioxidants, and no gluten.

From the Primordial Soup, Bread Is Born

This recipe makes four or so loaves of bread, which I can barely keep around for two weeks because my family gobbles it up. Because I claim to cook like a traditional Italian grandmother, I can’t be bothered to specify exact quantities of each ingredient. If you’re reading this post, I trust your judgement.

Pour about a cup of warm water in a big bowl and dissolve between 3/4 ounce to 1 ounce of yeast in it. Blend a huge bag of power greens with enough warm water to result in a soupy green mixture.

Blend four large, or six medium fully-baked sweet potatoes the same way, and add it to the blended greens. Make sure you include the potato skins!

Then add half a cup of honey, at least half a cup of softened butter, a couple of eggs, and two or three teaspoons of salt. Also add any chopped nuts you might like.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re upset that the recipe includes half a cup of honey. You’re thinking, “Honey contains sugar and sugar contains poison and poison contains death! Is this some kind of death bread???”. Settle down and hold your horses. Half a cup of honey divided by four loaves divided by a reasonable number of slices per loaf equals barely enough honey per slice to sweeten a single drop of water. Trust me, you’re gonna be fine.

Now, blend up either a large quantity of steel cut oats or rolled oats into oat flour. Or you can use months-old stale oat flour from the store.

Now you have this weird green primordial soup and you have to figure out how to turn that into actual dough. Well, it’s time to start adding the flour to your green mixture.

Once you’ve mixed in enough flour to make it solid-ish, then turn out your new mixture onto some baking sheet or kneading surface.

Keep kneading more and more oat flour into your dough until it feels like genuine, bone fide bread dough and the sticky mixture is dry enough that it no longer sticks to your hands. Once the dough is ready, grease a large bowl, put your dough in the bowl, cover it, and let it rise for about an hour.