Cold Shower Story

This post describes a traumatic experience I had with fear and adrenaline based on recurring thoughts I had while taking cold showers.

There’re a ton of videos on YouTube touting the benefits of cold showers. After watching a few I figured I’d give it a try. I started, while living in Las Vegas, in the summer of 2017. Las Vegas is extremely hot in the summer so the cold water wasn’t exactly cold so it wasn’t that difficult. As the weather got cooler over time, I got more used to the cold showers until I was able to endure them even during the coldest months.

I don’t shower every day, just on the days I exercise, which is about three times a week. Some people start with warm water and then turn it colder. That seems like too much work so I just turn the cold on full blast and get right in, trying to be “like a boss”. Sometimes I flex like Hulk Hogan did right before it looks like he’s about to lose and then comes back and wins the match. The flexing helps me increase my energy and endure the cold. Later, I started watching videos by the cold water guru Wim Hof and practicing my own abbreviated version of his breathing and meditation techniques before getting in. I think it helps somewhat but it hasn’t made the cold go away yet. I was able to get through the cold showers all right and finish feeling exhilarated.

Then I heard about the tragic, and deeply disturbing Lion Air Flight 610 crash from Indonesia which plunged into the sea killing all 189 people on board. I really don’t like flying but I do it when I have to. Actually, I don’t mind the flying part; it’s the fear of terrifying death which is bothersome. For some reason, my mind tends to dwell on plane crashes and they disturb me for weeks and weeks after hearing about them in the news.

So one evening while I was taking my cold shower, enjoying feeling energized under the cold water, I had this scary thought about the people aboard that plane. I imagined the plane, having sunk underwater with the people still alive inside, filling up with cold water while the people are trapped and helpless and can’t escape. I imagined how cold the salty sea water would have been and how utterly terrified the poor people would have been while they drowned in the cold water. The thought was so upsetting it made me cry.

For a few weeks after the crying incident I dreaded taking my cold shower because I couldn’t help thinking that same thought and feeling disturbed every time, especially when the water would go over my face and I had to hold my breath.

Confronting my fear

One time I was taking my cold shower and having those same sad scary thoughts when a thought occurred to me. “The person I am now will never be able to deal with this fear. There’s no way the current me can handle this.” Then I doubled over, like I was going to vomit, but not feeling the vomit sensations. I started coughing up a small amount of phlegm and shivering somewhat violently. It was kind of like what happened to the fictional character Michael Corvin when he transforms into the half vampire/half werewolf creature, in the water, in the movie Underworld. I then had the thought, “I have to be able to die. I must rev up my energy to the point where I’m ready to die if I’m in a situation like that. This is real life and people die and I have to be able to handle it.” One of my closest friends, Roman Meshon, died in 2007 from drowning in a tragic surfing accident in Japan. He was caught by the undertow.

Then I stood up and, in my mind, I challenged the cold water and vividly imagined myself drowning in that same airplane situation. As the pangs of fear struck me I raised my excitation to meet them. The fear would redouble and my excitation would again rise to meet it right away in a kind of terrifying escalation. At some point soon thereafter, this process reached some peak and then I calmed down. As soon as I was calm, maybe after two seconds or so, I realized that the water wasn’t even the slightest bit cold anymore. I could still feel the water but it wasn’t cold – at all – and I felt by far the most energized I’ve ever felt in my life.

These words are so drab on the screen compared to how awesome I felt. This feeling was absolutely incredible. I suddenly realized, “Ohhhhhh! So this is what Superman feels like!”. I laughed out loud as if chuckling at my former weakness. I felt like I suddenly had an unfair advantage over everyone else in the world. What I think happened was the same densification of neural drive that happens when a mother lifts a car because her child is stuck under it. I believe that’s what happened to me in the shower that day. It’s very difficult to reproduce and maybe not desirable unless you’re in some powerlifting sport. I felt unbelievably physically strong.

It felt like I had just tapped into some incredible power, like when the Marvel Avengers character Thor gets the lightning powers and his eyes start glowing. It was fantastically awesome and I started wondering if anybody else knows about this phenomenon. I’ve continued taking cold showers since then but I haven’t been able to get to that same level yet. It’s both difficult and traumatic to summon. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s hesitant to go all the way. I imagine it’s what Bruce Banner feels like trying to turn into the Hulk.

Fear must be your mind’s way of turning on some adrenaline pathway in order to protect you in times of danger. I believe that the existential fear of death is the source of much anxiety and neuroticism. In order to overcome these, you ultimately must conquer your fear of death. You must accept that you’re a mortal being and you won’t live forever. Turn your back on denial and resistance and accept your mortality. The sooner you do, the better.